


Do you hate me ?

by areeskimosreal



Category: Peter Kay's Car Share (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-05
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-07-07 06:43:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15902967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/areeskimosreal/pseuds/areeskimosreal
Summary: Some times it's the hard blows that make you stronger.





	Do you hate me ?

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes finding out what you can't do makes the biggest difference.

He pulled the handbrake on and switched the Fiat off.The two of them sat In silence staring straight ahead.

“ So ..” Said John.

“Mm so “ Kayleigh replied.

“You ready, cause I'm sure I'm not,don't think I ever will be”.

“ It's is what it is,it won't change us,I hope “She said looking at him for reassurance.

“ Of course it won't “,He said squeezing her hand,”We're stronger than this. Look whatever he says I want you to know that …..”

“No “ She interrupted “Don't preempt things ,let's just go in and face this,John and Kayleigh Redmond together,as usual” She said.

“Together Forever “ He added “Let's go”

The first time they had visited this doctor nearly 18 months ago,Kayleigh had had to stand outside the office door as John laughed hysterically, every time he stopped,he looked at the door and started laughing again.

“I wonder what the J stands for “ she had said looking at the name plaque. “Doctor J Seaman.”

“Oh god” said John wiping his eyes “Sorry about that” finally composing himself.

“Maybe it's Jack “ she said seriously

John was sure he was going to wet himself this time,

“ Doctor Jack Seaman” she said oblivious to John's howling.

“Oh shit “ she said realising, “John bloody grow up ,honestly act your age “,she said trying to hide a smile.

This time it was a far more sombre affair,all the letter had said was would they make an appointment, and the doctor would discuss the results and what options there were. John the typical man only saw what was written, Kayleigh read far more into it ,The word OPTIONS although written in the same plain text as the rest of the letter might as well have been in letters a foot high, bold and highlighted as far as she was concerned. If everything was alright then they wouldn't need any effing options. She knew one of them had a problem,she just knew it.

 

As they sat in the waiting room,all she could think of was how would John react if he couldn't make her dream of motherhood come true.She tried hard not to cry. John squeezed her hand as if he could sense her distress.

John was wondering what IVF was as he saw the poster on the far wall,must be terrible for those that need it he thought.

As they were ushered into the Doctor's room,Kayleigh felt faint but didn't, John shook his hand and they indulged in a bit of nervous banter.

Doctor Seaman was old school ,metal rimmed glasses bow tie sort of old school ,a couple of years off retirement,he was kind ,sincere, understanding and overwhelmingly friendly.

“Well John and Kayleigh, down to business eh”

He started.

“It's never easy telling people this but …..”

Kayleigh started crying as soon as she heard the words” never easy”,no good news ever started with those words,she was right ,there was a problem,part two of her lifelong dream was dying in front of her very eyes,no children for her,for them.

She pulled herself together and with John's arm around, her let Jeff, as Doctor Seaman wanted them to call him,continue.

“ The bottom line ,I'm sad to say is that the chances of you becoming pregnant Kayleigh,are zero.

What he said after that was a blur,he said something about “no viable eggs” and” polycystic “ something and other things she couldn't understand ,the words pregnant and zero kept running through her mind,pregnant zero,pregnant zero,pregnant zero ,on and on and on and on.

John's voice shook her out of her state of shock.

She could see tears in his eyes and heard a tremor in his voice.

“So realistically there are no viable options, is there nothing we can do?” he asked.

“No I'm afraid not,the bloods indicate that Kayleigh is now premenopausal, that combined with the other medical issues effectively rule out any chance of being able to conceive, let alone carry a child “

She put her hand on John's arm and squeezed it.

“ I ran out of time John,” she said coldly .”Always worried that I would and I did,it's over, done and dusted,it's not to be”

She patted John's arm again .”Let's go “

“Thanks Doctor sorry, Jeff,” she still didn't feel right calling him by his first name,”Thanks for everything.”

She got up and walked out ,John got up shook the Doctors hand and hurried after her.They walked to the lift in silence,John tried to put his arm around her but she shrugged it off.

They walked in stoney silence back to their car.

“Home?”he said as they fastened their seatbelts.

She didn't answer, she just looked straight ahead

“Home it is then” he said and started off.

In the car he tried to talk but she raised her hand go stop him.

He tried again 10 mins later ,but the glare he got from her put paid to any other attempt.

As the car came to a halt In their driveway,she was out the car in a heartbeat. By the time John got in ,her coat ,bag and shoes were lying at the foot of the stairs,and he heard the bathroom door lock,something they never normally did.

John put her things away ,and put the kettle on ,he stood at the bottom of the stairs listening but heard nothing.The shower wasn't on,he would hear the boiler if it was,and he hadn't heard the flush.

“ Five more minutes” he said looking at his watch.

Kayleigh sat on the end of the bath,she hadn't cried yet she knew she would,but she needed peace to think,John bless him wanted to talk ,but she needed to think , how could she make it up to him? ,would he still want her,she looked in the mirror ,a sad middle aged woman who was pretty once looked back at her. Nothing going for her she thought,past it in more ways than one. God why did this happen to her ,to them. All they wanted was a baby to call their own,a little baby ,millions of people who didn't want them had them. But they would never have one now.Well she couldn't, he still could if he wanted. She could tell him that ,it was only fair after all. It would mean the end of them but it was her fault. It would mean they were through.She had to think.She needed time to think ,time to work out what to say ,time to ,she was out of time.

She heard John running up the stairs.

“Kayleigh, are you ok?KAYLEIGH” he shouted louder ,” Open the fucking door now or honest to god I'll put the bastard in ,KAYLEIGH !!”

He heard the door,click and she walked out past him into the hall.

“Thank fuck you're alright I was worried there”

As she walked past him in silence heading for the bedroom he caught her arm,she spun around and glared at him.

“Speak to me Kayleigh, for God's sake we have to talk”He implored.

“There's fuck all to say John ,it's all over do you understand it's over,finished we're done !”

She shrugged out of his grip and stormed into the bedroom slamming the door behind her.

John headed downstairs,sat down put his head in his hands and cried like never before,he needed Kayleigh but she certainly didn't need or want him right now.

He fell asleep sobbing.

He woke about 2am headed upstairs and as he put his hand on the bedroom door handle ,thought better of it and went into the spare room”,what the fuck did she mean by we're done ?”

It was getting light before he went to sleep.

Kayleigh had taken a long time to fall asleep, she woke at 2 when she heard John on the stairs,she needed him to come in and give her a hug and reassurance,but he went into the spare room,she started crying into her pillow,looks like she was right,not only was her dream of children over,John was so disappointed with her ,that it looked like her marriage was too.

John was wakened by the door opening ,Kayleigh was standing in the doorway. He sat up smiled and motioned her over to him.

Instead she walked over to the chair and sat down.It was obvious she had slept in what she had had on yesterday ,although she had panda eyes and Carol Decker hair,she was still the most beautiful woman in the world to him.

“I'll understand if you want to walk away” she said, crying .

“What do you mean wa….” He started to say.

“ John,John John no no let me finish please this is difficult enough” what was left of her mascara started to run down her cheeks as she talked through her tears,not looking at him but staring at the floor halfway between them,tearing a tissue into smaller and smaller pieces.

“If you want to finish this , us “ she said sniffing,” I'll understand, honest I will ,don't get me wrong it won't be easy for me but if you want to move on I'll let you, I'll,I'll make it easy or if you want I'll go if that's easier,it is your house after all,I'll just walk away and not look back,yes that's it I'll go make it easier for you,it's my fault I'll go” she said shaking.

“Why would I, I mean why would …..

“ John ,no listen to me please you can still have kids,it's me who can't,I'm giving you that chance,to go and have your kids, cause you can't with me,and I'm so so sorry I've let you down so so sorry ,but I can't be the woman you need me to be,and I never can be I'm so sorry honest I am”

She started crying uncontrollably . John's heart broke watching her.

 

John got up,walked over,lifted her up and hugged her ,

“I'm going nowhere Kayleigh Redmond and neither are you,we both belong here,together in Our house not mine OURS” he emphasised.

John carried her to the bed,and they held each other and cried in each other's arms until sleep eventually overtook them.

Kayleigh woke up with a start and realised John was gone.Her sudden panic subsidised when she heard him on the stairs,he came into the little room with two cups of tea. He smiled at her but she never smiled back.

He put the now empty cups down on his side table.

“What did you mean on the landing yesterday what's over,what's finished,what's done?” he asked squeezing her hand.

“Do you remember when we started car sharing,I told you my dream was to marry the man of my dreams and have babies?”

“Yes I remember that” he said.

,”Well I got the man ,but will never have the babies ,so my dream is over,finished done,” she sniffed,” Well the second part anyway “

“But you would sacrifice the rest of your dream so i could have mine,let me go to be happy,if that's what I wanted,that's powerful love Kayleigh, I don't know how to respond to that,that's hardcore”

“But you would do the same for me,wouldn't you?” She said looking at him.  
“You would give me that chance, I know you would”

John nodded,but inside he wasn't so sure.

“Kayleigh “He said gently “ The important part of my having children was you being their mother,I wanted you to have my children,only you. It was your dream and I bought into it don't get me wrong I'm devastated that we can't have them but having you is far more important. kids would have been a bonus.I wanted to say this yesterday but you blanked me”

“I need a shower John,I stink,I'll nip in now,you start breakfast and then we'll talk then ok.?”

“ I thought this was us talking”

“You know what I mean,sit down adult talking”

John knew not to push it ,they were both a bit delicate.

“Ok love” he said” Brew and butties coming up”

As they sat eating and having a brew,John was looking at her but she never met his gaze,never said a word, just sat.

“You worried me yesterday “ he knew someone had to start the difficult conversation.

“When ?”

“When you were in the toilet that long ,I got worried,”

“I'm a physical wreck not a fucking mental one” she shouted getting up from the table and leaning into his face.” I'm not Mental”

Suddenly her whole demeanour changed,

“Oh John I'm so so sorry,” she grabbed him and hugged him tight,” I didn't mean what I said,please don't leave me I couldn't take it if you left me I lied,please stay please”

“Kayleigh “ he said softly lifting her chin up so she was facing him. “I would never leave you, never, ever and you should know that,come on love sit down” he motioned her back to her chair.

“I'll be right back” he said.

He was back almost immediately, holding both their mobiles and the house phone. He switched them off and put them in a drawer.

“No interruptions just you and me, talking all day and all night if we have to.Cards on the table.Kayleigh we have to talk this out here and now ok ?”

“Ok” she replied looking him in the eyes. Still no smile.

“Progress” thought John.

“I never thought in a million years it would be me,”she suddenly blurted out, reaching for his hand,which he offered.

” I know that you told me before not to assume things ,but I had assumed the problem was you,oh no that came out wrong,not the problem was you,I meant that you were the one with the fertility problem. “

“Why?” He asked gently rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb.

“When the doctor was talking about your mumps,your testicular cysts and your,twisted tube thing, and low sperm count,he said that any of them could potentially cause problems,and I thought, no l assumed that he meant one of them had to be the problem “.

“But the last tests came back as ok”

“Yes John ok,not great just,ok not as high as normal”

“I've never missed a lady time since I was 14 John ,26 years , never missed, never late,never had any diseases,never,had any infections nothing,not even thrush that everyone seems to get sometime ,thought everything must be in perfect working order, so it must be you..I'm Sorry to admit it , but,I was so sure that you had the problem,I had even rehearsed what I was going to say to you,to keep your spirits up and stop you feeling like shit.” She took a sobbing breath

“ Only it's not you is it ?,it's me and there's nothing you can say to stop me feeling like I'm a complete effing failure as a woman never mind as a wife,shit doesn't begin to describe how I feel right now.,”

“ How does what's happened make you a failure as a woman or a wife,do you think your sole role in life is to be a baby maker,to churn out little Redmonds every 9 months ? cause I don't”

“ Don't you,? I saw the tears in your eyes in his office,don't say there weren't any I saw them John.You were devastated,and I'm sorry ok”

“Of course there were tears,it was all so final I was upset,I'm not made of stone you know “

“I let you down and I've said I'm sorry” she sobbed.

“You never let me down,it's just one of those things.This set back ,well it……”

“ Set back “ she shouted ,”Set back ,it's not a set back John it's the end ,we can't start again ,don't you understand ?,it's finished”

“There are options, adoption or fostering for instance “ He said soothingly.

“Are you for real,adoption ,fostering ,less than 24 hours after being told i can never be a mother,you want other women's children in your house,really John really ?”Her voice rising with every word.

She went to pull her hands away and stand up but John wouldn't let go.

“Let go John “ she glared at him ,” Let me fucking go “

“ No, sit your arse there,I know your hurting ,I'm hurting too,more than you think,but I'm clever enough to know I'll never hurt like you do right now,I wouldn't insult you by suggesting otherwise, but shouting me down every time I say something isn't helping” his eyes never left hers as he spoke.

He let her hands go,but she stayed where she was.

“I don't know what to do John,I wanted this for so long. I keep hoping I'm in some effing nightmare, but I know I'm not,I know it's real.but it hurts so much,and I don't think I'll ever stop hurting ” she said quietly taking his hands again.

“ I know honey I can see it “

“ I think ,no it doesn't matter” she said shaking her head.

“ No go on Kayleigh, you think what?”

“Please don't judge me,but I think I'm angry with you because you are ok “

“I'm not Kayleigh I'm hurting, I told you”

“Medically “

“Your angry with me because I'm not ster…” he stopped himself before he said the word.

“Sterile ,barren,infertile dried up ,past it however you put it John,truth is,I am and you're not and I'm angry about it.I know I shouldn't be but ,well I am “

John just sat staring not quite able to understand how her mind worked,or how to make things better.

“ I know it sounds stupid” she continued “ But if it had been you I would be able to accept it and comfort you and try to make you feel better,and forgive you for want of a better word. But because it's me I can't do any of those things,I have to live with it ,and the feeling of shame”

“Kayleigh love,if I could change places with you I would and you know that ,but I can't. Life has dealt us a shit hand and we just have to sort ourselves out and move on ,however hard that might be “

“ There's one thing I've wanted to ask you John but I'm scared of the answer”.

“I would never hurt you you know that “

“ Do you hate me ?“ she blurted out.

“Why would I hate you?”

“ Answer me John do you? She looked away and he was sure she flinched.

“ No I love you .Always have always will”

“Honestly?”

“Whats this….

“John honestly? “

“No I don't hate you honestly,I don't think I could if I tried. So why ask ?”

“Because I've failed you, I've let you down,I ruined things”.

“ No you haven't ,”

“But you said you wanted me to be the mother of your children and I can't be ,I could never be”

“ If you could have kids but decided you didn't want to because you didn't want to get fat or because your job was too important or because you didn't want your foo foo ruined then I might feel different and think that you had let me down,but,none of those things happened,nature decided ,not you Kayleigh, not you, so how In the name of Christ can you think you failed. Nature has let you down big time “

 

“ Foo Foo ? “ she smiled for the first time in days.

“Well it sounds better than Fan…”

“John !”

They shared a giggle

“Kayleigh if it had been me, would you have hated me for failing you?”

“No of course not, how can you even ask that?”

“Then why ask me ?”

“Because you could do so much better than me and I want to do everything I can to keep you John I ,need everything to be right. I'm scared of losing you”

“ Kayleigh Redmond I could never find someone better than you,I told you years ago you were my one. I love you unconditionally. I'm going nowhere, and neither are you. We need each other ,like Yin and Yang or Cagney and Lacey”

“Cannon and Ball” She quipped.

“Steady Lady”

“ Diana”

As they laughed, they entwined their fingers and exchanged looks that let each other know,things were ok,they would get through this.

Nothing and no one would come between them ever,and they were beginning to realise how powerful real love was. And how lucky they were to have found it in each other.

Not everyone does.

It's rare and it's precious.


End file.
